If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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