Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
