Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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