I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Just high enough for therapy.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
