I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
