I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
