if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
home. puking in laundry basket.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
