i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Who died my cat blue again?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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