did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
