He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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