I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
