my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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