i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
