Soap is not a condiment
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize