Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
