you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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