My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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