Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
