hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
