i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
