I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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