I just saw a hot homeless man
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
