Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize