i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
