I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
