my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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