The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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