Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
