it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
