UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
