Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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