Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
