i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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