My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
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