I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
