he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
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