i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
