YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
