my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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