If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
