you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
