she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
