i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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