it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize