if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
a search helicopter?!
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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