Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
