Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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