Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
