life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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