yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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