And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
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