We got so high we made milksteak
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
