why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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