oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
