I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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