you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
