I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
