I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
