We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm experimenting with sincerity
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
