I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize