As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
